Its episode 5 of America’s Least Favorite Pastime, The Bachelorette, and this week we’re crossing the Atlantic to stick in the faces of Europeans that while they may have culture, we have reality television. Go ‘Merica!
This week the gang heads to Munich, Germany. Chris Harrison greets the guys and talks about everything that is not in modern American dating rituals – excitement, culture, and romance. The guys enter their living suite, check out the views, and read the first date card which goes to Chris who does fist pumps to himself and in his words he “is jacked.” Simmer down, boy, don’t let everyone know like Ryan Seacrest that it’s your first time around a woman. (If you are familiar with Kathy Griffin’s standup, you will totally get that reference).
We’re not even ten minutes in, and trouble already starts to brew. Dam you, Germans! Always startin’ something. (I should know! – ha!) Now that Bryden has
had time to think secured his airfare to a European vacation, he’s decided that he no longer wants to pursue a relationship with Desiree. Gee, it wouldn’t have to do anything with the fact you had a secret girlfriend at home, would it? I know, why I gotta hate. He’s just lovin’ and leavin’ like any red-blooded American male.
Anyplayah, somebody needs to stick a fork in Bryden because he’s D-O-N-E. And he has to tell Desiree immediately. Not after her date with Chris is over, but RIGHT NOW in the middle of it because bro has got a National Lampoon’s European Vacation tour to catch or something. OR because the show’s producers, like me, have black hearts and want to see Desiree’s “Office and a Gentleman” dreams crushed. I think Jack McFarland says it best about Bryden’s “change of heart”.
Meanwhile, Des and Chris and getting sexified by trying on lederhosen and sampling Bavarian sausage. Because nothing goes together like stuffing your tummy with meats and cheese and then going to try on clothes – it’s truly the way to a woman’s heart! While dancing in the town square to polka music (Germany’s version of bucket players here in Chicago), Bryden comes up to drop the bomb. Dun, dun, dunnnnnnnnnn! Cue creepy, piano background music. Bryden leaves, Desiree says she understands while her eyes say “get to steppin, bitch”, and then Chris gets to play hero by saying he’s here for, wait for it – the. right. reasons.
Later in the date, Chris and Desiree go to a historic German palace, and they get to spend a romantic evening of dinner and dancing in a ballroom. OH, and talk about Bryden some more – seriously, Chris and Des??? Rule 101 in dating – don’t talk about exes during first dates! After going down painful memory lane, they finally start focusing on a connection with the people on the actual date. Chris reads some poetry, Des cries from happiness, some tonsil hockey ensues and I know this will come as a shocker – Desiree gives Chris the rose to continue their journey. They cap the evening off by slow dancing to a performance by another WTF-artist-is-this.
Meanwhile in the suite, the guys get the group date card and after all the names are read it’s realized that the dramatic 2-on-1 date will be a Mortal Kombat event with arch nemsises Michael and Ben. I literally squeal with delight and nearly wake up my kids who are sleeping. Let’s do this, ABC!
But first, it’s the group date. The following guys – James, Kasey, Zak W., Brooks, Mikey, Drew and Juan Pablo – head up the highest peak in German called Mt. ICouldCareLess. Going up the mountain, Desiree comments the car is in a sea of fog and that it’s like being in a cloud. Des is not being courted for her science knowledge because fog is not “like a cloud” but fog is an actual cloud. That said, I’m not winning any science prizes either since this biznitch had to do a Google search for “clouds and fog the same thing.” Drop yo side eye before I get Bon Qui Qui on you – ha!
A yodeler greets them at the top and the guys start into an impromptu Jewel-Yoddlin’-Impersonation Contest. They are then going to go sledding down a “bunny hill” that looks like it was for bunnies who ate their Trix with steroids instead of milk. Chivalry shows it ain’t dead as all the guys run into Desiree on the slope and pummel her into the snow. They cap off their romantic gestures by throwing snow balls at her. The gang moves the soiree over to a real life igloo. Desiree sets the mood by telling the guys if they aren’t sure about being here like Bryden to then it’s “to the left, to the left”. Brooks scores alone time first and wants to assure her that he’s really there for her and as he says this Desiree grabs him and pulls him into her mouth. There’s a saying in German that goes “Liebe geht durch den Magen” which means “Love travels through the stomach”. Des is clearly taking this literally as she sucks on Brooks’ face. As this moment of lust-fection happens I block my eyes with my hands and curl up into the fetal position.
MIkey then does his best to strike a spark up with Desiree. They hang out on blankets in the frigid cold and make mini snowmen. MIkey comments they have great chemistry and I realize he’s Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber who doesn’t get what the friend zone really is. “So you’re telling me there’s a chance!” Zak W. then does his best midnight creep in the background. We keep wondering 1) what is he up to and 2) does he FO’ REAL not have a shirt on under his snow jacket with it zipped down mid chest. Can Zak W.’s friends please hold an intervention on his styling? Being the Fabio of The Bachelorette is not something to aspire to.
The best part of this exchange is seeing Mikey trying to hold in his rage and Desiree doing her best awkward laugh and then slapping Mikey to say “isn’t Zak W. so hilarious. Isn’t he awesome in getting my attention like that, MIkey.” Yes, Des, way to make it even more uncomfortable for everyone. Zak and Desiree bond over wine literally on the rocks and Zak’s over-emphasized story about giving up the priesthood 10 years prior when he was previously in Germany – awww, what a coincidink! I do believe Zak when he says it was a life changing thought when he made that decision, because I’m guessing that Zak only actually has one thought every 10 years.
Desiree comes back to the igloo just as James is busy six-upping all the guys about the roses he has received and how it’s only a matter of minutes before he gets the one on the ice table. Des sneaks off with James for some conversation under the blanket action since there are cameras present. Meanwhile, the guys comment about what a liarface James is because this is middle school and how real men act when competing for the “love” of their life’s heart. Brooks shows his
leadership gossiper skills and stalks outside the room where Des and James are. Brooks says it’s tough to see. It’s tough for us to take him seriously when he’s being too successful at pulling off Bobby Deniro in Cape Fear “Counselor, come out, come out wherever you are!” Desiree shows though that she’s a glutton for pseudo-bad boys though and gives Brooks the rose. James says he’s pissed but yet doesn’t care about getting the rose in the same breath. Sure, James, sure, I had the same reasoning when I was 15, er, okay – 20.
FINALLY, it’s game time and the 2-on-1 date is upon us. Michael and Ben start the day off by being their true selves – two pre-teen, snotty girls. O.M.F.G. In the limo on the way to meet Des the silence is deafening if that’s feasibly possible. Michael compares himself to be the Ken Starr of the reality tv dating world and that he’s ready to get the impeachment trial of Ben underway. Good grief! They start the date off with the worst coffee shop date in the history of dating – in the cold, with coffee from a thermos that isn’t Dunkin’ Donuts, and tension-filled conversation between two suitors. Gee, what more could a girl want. Des then leads the guys over to the lake and tricks them into thinking they are doing a polar bear jump into the cold water. OH! But they aren’t and instead are taking a hot tub boat ride. Whew, guys! Hardy, Har, Har, Des! (eyes rolling)
In the hot tub ride from hell, Ben and Michael take turns puff up their rooster chests in their attempt to win over Des. While Ben talks, Michael shows us what the worst poker face in Las Vegas looks like – seriously, you’re a lawyer dude? Hmmm, keep yo emotions in check! Ben tries to talk about his son and Michael calls him out on not talking to his son and hints at him being a deadbeat dad. Clearly, Michael has never met this guy who is Nashville’s Father of the Year. At this point Des takes herself back to being 2 and having a “tea party” for one as she desperately tries to sip more and more magically out of her thermos cup as the tension builds between these two men who are busy brooding.
The tension skirts over to an intimate candlelight dinner because there’s no better way to cut tension that moving it to smaller quarters. They start to talk about traditions and Michael pounces on Ben like a Jack McCoy wannabe and does his OBJECTION! to Ben’s flip-floppiness about making church a tradition in his house.
Ben is furious! Furious! And asks to excuse himself and walks out. Michael looks at Desiree justified, and then skirts his tail between his legs when Desiree scolds him for being too tough on Ben. I start rolling with laughter on the floor. Desiree goes out to calm Ben down on his way out to cool off. He agrees to give love another go and comes in for some cuddle time with Des in the wine cellar. They talk more about Ben’s son, looking for love, and tries to assure Des that he’s there for her and love. It’s then Michael’s turn with Desiree and he uses his time with her to talk all about Ben. How Desiree hasn’t made more of a connection with Michael is beyond me!?!?
It’s then the moment we’ve all been waiting for and I’m ready for Ben to be given a vote of not guilty, grab the rose, and smirk/wink at Michael on his way out. But then Des goes and gives the rose to Michael. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! SNAP!!!!!
Ben reacts just as I expect any over-confident man-boy to – he throws his napkin down, the cameras catch him saying “F**k, Des”, and runs off without a chance to get closure. And since she’s the love of his life I am shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, that he can just curse out under his breath when things don’t go his way. Desiree chases after him. She lets him know that while using his son as a gimmick on the first night, all gimmicks fade and she needs him to get in that limo like yesterday. Ben rides off into the beer stein horizon to “get drunk and have some fun” and “doesn’t want to wait to be seen with someone else in public”. Yeah, I really believed Desiree was his true love about as much as I believe that Justin Bieber has actual muscles! Which funny, he also resembles how Ben left the show – hmmm.
Later on, the remaining guys are in the suite commenting about some dirty deets. Apparently on the ride back from the group date Drew and Kasey
woke up pretended to be asleep while Mikey and James were having a conversation about their lives post-Desiree. Somehow the guys were shocked that James was talking about using his relationship with Des to score with women being realistic about his life post-Bachelorette. Gentleman, just ask Ed Swiderski (and that guy won his season for crying out loud).
But letsbehonest, these guys are still in ABC’s real-life never, never land so they therefore are surprised that guys may not want to be here for Des and they can’t miss a chance to reiterate “right reasons.” They make a plan for Drew to put on some big boy pants and play whistle blower to James corrupt CEO of Rose Ceremony, Inc. BOOM!
Now it’s time for the rose ceremony, but before we can get to the whistle blowing,
Desiree ABC producers decide to go straight to the ceremony cutting. Drew is crushed because he was really hoping to show his inner Blair Waldorf. Bummer. James plays Serena Vanderwoodsen to Drew by yelling to Des that she’s beautiful and she swoons. Ugh, S always gets her way! Curses!
In the end, Mikey gets denied and I’m glad we never have to hear how he’s sweatin’ it ever again. The preview for next week looks drama-filled so of course my heart is soaring. Here’s a sneak peek – enjoy:
‘Til next time, Bachelorette Biyatches – XOXO!