There He Goooooes, Mr. Nooooobody! – The Bachelorette Men Show That America Doesn’t Have Talent

Welcome to Week 4, and the start of the getaway dates on The Bachelorette. It’s time for Chris Harrison to announce the first getaway. What will it be – Australia, Thailand, Japan, Virgin Islands, Europe….ER! “We’re off to New Jersey!” “Whooooo-HUH?”

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Somehow the guys are making the most of it trying to convince us by telling us how New Jersey has a “great personality” or something. The guys go to a fancy smancy resort at the Jersey Shore and the break into involuntary fist pumps upon entering their skyline suite. Guys, this isn’t Vegas, so quit acting like Leo DiCaprio when you’re really more on the level of The Situation.

The first date card arrives and it’s for Brad – boring, David-Beckham-voiced, lovable Brad. Zak comments that despite having a “sympathetic situation with having a kid” (seriously, did he just say that?), he somehow doesn’t see Brad as the guy for Des. Brad and Des goof off on the Boardwalk, while I am kicking myself for electing to watch this versus catching up on 

cookie-monsterBoardwalk Empire. The pass a saltwater taffy shop and Brad comments he’s never had it. So they elect to go inside and have a life changing moment by stuffing their faces full of candy and it is like my perfect date. Des turns into Count Chocula and decide to disrupt the work of factory works in the basement of Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. But Des has to get her Cookie Monster on, so be it. Nom, nom, nom, Des.

The next part of their date is a dinner by the sea while sitting on a sand castle. Brad comments it’s been his perfect date and how he is looking for a sweet girl who’d be a great mom. Aw shucks! I was really thinking he might say he wants to end up with a crazy chick who gives all kids the side eye. This date is putting me to sleep! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……Des says she agrees but her eyes scream “Me. Need. Spontaneity.” Good luck, Brad, I don’t think this is going in your favor.

Fast forward to dinner and I don’t have enough fingers to count the number of awkward silences between Des and Brad. The chemistry between these two is flaccid at best. Brad maybe should have added “a girl who loves to talk” to his list because this guy clearly won’t be making the conversation in his relationships. Des says she’s conflicted and I realize she should not get an Oscar for her fake laughs to Brad’s non-jokes. Des convinces Brad to climb up all the way to the top of the lighthouse to dump him so that if he doesn’t react well she’s in a tight nit space with minimal escape. Good call ABC producers! Des says she wants Brad to find love – hmmm, just not with her.

bachelorette_pageant_1Next it’s on to the group date, and Chris announces it is going to be the Mr. Bachelor America contest at the old theater where they used to hold the pageant until it was taken over infected by boob jobs, anorexia, pornography and Perez Hilton (ugh, do you remember him as a judge and that whole Carrie Prejean scandal that was so not really needing to be a scandal – but, I digress). So the following guys are going to strut their stuff – Mikey, Drew, Brooks, Zak W., Kasey, Chris, Juan Palo, Ben, Bryden and Zack. The guys are introduced to their pageant coach and they start to practice their routines and talents.

It’s literally reminding me of one of my favorite movies Drop Dead Gorgeous. (hmmm, don’t try to front like you don’t know what Oscar-robbed movie I’m talking about!).

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The guys also practice answering questions with a former Miss American contestant. The result, as you can imagine, doesn’t give any prospects to Mensa.

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Now it’s time to start the competition. The guys are sweatin’ over the swimsuit competition and how objectified they are going to fell about showing off their packages. Really? You’re on a reality dating show that started as an objectification and mockery of women, and somehow you’re worried about wearing a mankini for 30 seconds on stage? I guess balls are not a requirement for contestants on The Bachelorette.

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Anywhiners, the guys start with the question round. Kasey answers about he’s a giver not a taker in a relationship, and women ms-south-carolinain the audience swoon. #whatacheese**** Chris answers that he basically needs to stop being a cheapskate in relationships – way to not impress Des! – but then tries to back peddle to safety through a bunch of hmms and mumbling off a different number of dates per week. When Miss South Carolina sounds more articulate than you, there’s a problem.

But no worries, Chris, Mikey takes the blue ribbon for the most back-handed, awkward answer as he compares his inner child to how women are really respected since men, like him, only value their bodies. Can somebody do the judging equivalent of the Westminster Dog Show to Mikey? Maybe then he would learn to talk about what respect is after he’s stripped of his own.

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Now it’s time for the talent round. Kasey tap dances, but Gregory Hines he is not. Mikey did a Michael Jackson Billy Jean impression in a top hat combined with a strip tease, but ended up showing the audience what the “Magic Mike 2: Where Strippers Go to Die“ would look like.  Brooks does a John “Tortured Soul Lothario” Mayer impression with a ukulele. Ben does something with an old Get In Shape, Girl! Exercise kit.

Drew confirms his virginity by doing a Shakespeare monologue in a wool pea coat. Chris actually doesn’t embarrass himself even though he’s balancing hula hoops on his arms while in boxers and women’s heels. Bryden’s talent was auditioning to be Matthew McConaughey to Mikey’s Channing Tatum in Magic Mike 2. Zak W. forgets this is a non-talent show by actually showing some talent with an original song on acoustic guitar. Perhaps he’s got a chance.

And finally, the swimsuit competition. Zak W. struts what God gave him. Brooks deflects being objectified with humor. Ben with his under arm tat comes out to show he’s no better than the ultimate reality-star douchenizzle, Brody Jenner (seriously how has he NOT been the Bachelor yet). And now for the moment we’ve all been waiting for.

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The second runner up is Brooks. The runner up is Zak W. And the winner is – …Dun. Dun. Dun.  KASEY! #what???  Kasey says that winning does mean a lot to him. I realize that Kasey has not accomplished much in life.

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Worn out from a hard day of showcasing a lack of talent, answering basic questions about having a meaningful relationship, and having their narcissism fed from screaming women hooting at their bods, Des takes the guys to the hotel’s pool for some R&R. Up first is Chris, who snags alone time to recite poetry in the hot tub not by himself but actually to Des. Then while Chris and Des play tonsil hockey the other guys are left to make due with douchenizzle Ben in the lounge area. Another round of “uh-uh, no she didn’t” starts up between the guys about Ben as he flaunts his connection with Desiree poolside.

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The best part of the group date was a segment diverted to watching James who is alone in the guys’ suite while he waits for his date card. James fluffs up his machismo side by enjoying wine and chocolate-covered strawberries in a bubble bath. This convinces me James is the best fame-seeking ****** for Des. Can he get the rose from the group date? Unfortunately the Bachelor Gods were not listening to me and Zak W. gets the rose for his Bret Michaels “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn” impression. The date end by Bryden crying foul about lack of alone time with Des. My reaction – boo, freaking, hoo.

bachelorette_men_responsibleNow it’s time for James’ date with Des. They start out by taking a helicopter tour of the devastation from Hurricane Sandy and then talk with O.M.G., real-life couples which were actually impacted in real life by like real, life shattering events out of their real control. Because when I think of where to get updated on real-world issues and events, I’m thinking to tuning into a reality-TV dating show with vapid 20 year olds whose biggest responsibility in life to date is paying for a bar tab.

bachelorette_men_doucheSpeaking of places to not have intimate life conversations, they head to the local pub for the next part of their date. James shares over some pints that he cheated on his girlfriend previously and shows off his Houdini skills by somehow turning it around to tell the tale of how his cheating was really a heartbreak for him. Des says she understands and comforts James. WAIT! What?!?! YOU cheat on your girlfriend, but it’s YOUR heart that’s truly broken. Huh? James need to setup shop asap at the local learning annex for a Douchebag 101 course cause homeboy is killin’ it.

Des and James then decide to share their dinner date and dance with the real-life couple from Seaside Heights. Which is sweet, but then ABC producers decide to actually focus more on that couple’s conversation instead of the awkward swagger James is putting on Desiree. Again, it’s sweet, but I swear I thought my remote was supposed to be tuning into ABC’s The Bachelorette and not 20/20. The only good thing about this date was that I found out where Hootie has been since he left The Blowfish – which is apparently singing country music.
For the rest of the date this is where my remote somehow did one of these. (Oh, and non-spoiler alert James got the rose on the date.)

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Finally, it’s time for the rose ceremony. About time, ABC, about. time. I was fixing to cut a ***** if the episode dragged on any longer. Bryden starts the cattle whine by crying over lack of alone time with Des. Again. Please note, this is a guy who was a soldier over in IRAQ and he yet he can’t take being on The Bachelorette. You can handle combat zones where, literally, lives are on the line, but if you can only get 10 minutes vs 20 minutes of time alone with the girl you kind of like, then your whole world is going down the toilet??? Hmmmm….somethin’ somethin’ ain’t right.  Michael gets Desiree’s attention and affection by showing her that Hooked on Phonics worked for him (Me. Spell. Me. Husband. Material).

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Chris jokes about being in the friend zone, Desiree chuckles and then proceeds to kiss him like a tween getting her first kiss. It’s full of sweetness and body-cringing embarrassment. Bryden finally gets to stop whaling to us and cries to Des about his wishy-washy connection. Like any (good?) woman, Des assures him to focus on her instead of his own thoughts.

Time for the roses, fellas! Guys moving on to another week of uncomfortable and forced connections are – Zak W., James, Chris, Brooks, Juan Pablo, Drew Dew, Michael, Ben, Kasey, Mikey aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, whew!, Bryden. Mikey comments again for the second week that Des was “making him sweat” to get his rose. Does this guy only speak in hip hop lyrics? (like I should talk?) Least important, this means that Zack the guy we literally did not hear a word from the entire episode is leaving. So this is completely SHOCKING!

hasselhoffNext episode we see the gang head off to the land of David Hasselhoff – Germany! (I still have that image of him singing on the Berlin Wall with that keyboard scarf – I’m hoping one of the guys wears one of those next episode). Basically Des is bringing her own sausagefest to the land of sausage and bratwurst. And, apparently hijinks will ensue while polka plays in the background. Somehow, I can wait.

Auf Wiedersehen till next time.

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