Welcome back for Week 3. …If you’ve made it through the first two rounds of Chest Pumps and Tears, er The Bachelorette, then I think you’ll be up for this week’s episode.
Things immediately kick into drama mode as Ben, the non-Friend-Seeking “Entrepreneur”, starts to cry about an invisible target on his back and how it’s really just about he and Des. Really? Cause last I checked there are still around 10 guys in the room with you. I think Ben is in the same reality as my 3-year old daughter – make-believe-land.
Good Ole Harrison comes in and announces it’s date card time. Mikey gets stoooopid about it and claps his hands together like one of that toy monkey with the cymbals. Ugh. Calm.Down. It’s the Group Date Card and the “lucky” fellas are – Chris, Brian, Drew, Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mikey, Brandon, Zack K. and Ben. The theme is also Love is a Battlefield. Does that mean there will be a Pat Benatar performance with a dance off? Otherwise I’m not interested. Oh, who am I kidding!
The guys roll up and the “Amazings” kick in. ATTENTION, Bachelor Producers – For the love of god, please leave a thesaurus at the mansion with the word “amazing” flagged! Anylimitedvocabularly, we find out the date will be a dodgeball competition against the reigning dodgeball team – really? That’s an actual thing and not a movie staring Vince Vaughn? Well, you learn something new everyday. Chris Harrison comes out to lay down the ground rules and suddenly the guys find the inspiration to make inappropriately-edited comments:
“I can’t wait to let a few balls rip ” – Michael
“There are some big guys. Mikey is HUUUUGE! Game on.” – Chris (with eyes popping out of his face)
“We’re taking this to the street!” – Brooks (saying this with an actual half ponytail as his hairdo)
Fast forward to the Grove mall in LA and here come the guys dressed straight out of AC Slater’s Bayside High Wrestling Locker room. Oh. La. Not. The guys on the blue team do a coordinated cheer for Des to show their “personality” and Des is somehow impressed because that’s the most intelligence these guys have shown all season.
The game is on, guys talk about how intense a ball flying at their face is (and coming from guys who are former “professional” baseball players no less), and Des comments about how strong they are. I show my strength by not laughing at her ability to be so easily impressed. It’s narrowed down to two guys on each side and Drew proves he is NOT a girl but just throws like one to score the final point. Drew comments that it was a great feeling having the crowd go wild – which looking at the crowd means that Drew considers golf claps with eyes rolling to be “going wild”. That crazy girl! Blue team wins.
Round 2 – Des gives a pep talk to the red team and it works. Imagine that in a group of guys – being horny drives motivation. Red team wins.
Round 3 – The game starts and Brooks falls down like Tony Romo anygivensunday when a RUBBER ball comes into contact with his finger. Brooks is escorted off the field with the medics and the game resumes. Drew compares it to the last game in the World Series and again shows his true panties by knowing absolutely nothing about sports. The final game is coming down to Chris (red team) and Zack (WHO? oh, the blue team). Zack scores the final point and describes it as, no joke, “uhhh, my balls like hit his balls. EXPLODE! and then, uhhh, like it all drops. Uhh, VICTORY.” Dick Vitale.He.Is.Not.
So it’s the Blue team off to more time with Desiree……OOOH, hold up, wait a minute. Des is feeling generous so ALL the guys will be coming. The blue team claps but is crying on the inside. Off to the after party! Let’s get these guys some alcohol stat before those insecurities start to get reassured.
Before the party we get to see Brooks in the ER because his broken finger has resulted in narcolepsy or something. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. At the after party, Des starts alone time with Brad who I thought was hot until he started talking like a mouse, aka David Beckham. NEXT!!!! Oh, I shouldn’t be so harsh with my cold, black heart. Brad talks about being a single parent, so he seems like a nice guy. Boring, but nice.
Next is Chris who takes Desiree up onto the roof and they play the shoulder nudging game as they make small talk. Chris thinks he’s got a chance for the rose. But, r’uh-r’OH! Here’s Brooks to steal Chris’ thunder and Des whisks him off for alone time, er, tonsil hockey. Des announces Chris is the winner of the date’s rose and they go slow dance at a private concert from [ARTIST NOBODY HAS EVER HEARD OF] as the guys do their best Ali Later in the cinema classic Obsessed.
But before we get to that – it’s finally time for Girlfriend-GATE.
Chris calls Desiree to inform her about producerstagedsurprising news that one of her suitors is a courtin’ him a side piece. Des, didn’t anyone teach you don’t hate the playah, hate the game? Des stops by the mansion early for her date with Kasey to talk with Brian – dun, dun, dunnnnnnnnnnnn. Brian is excited but Desiree is doing her best serious face and asking about Brian having the “right reasons” – ugh! there’s THAT phrase again!!!! And just as Brian assures Desiree his sincerity about fulfilling her Cinderella dreams, without missing a beat in come Chris Harrison with a woman named Stephanie. Steph and Des hug it out – Eskimo SISTERS! – while Brian has the facial expression of pissing on himself. (“It’s not what it looks like!) Cue, Shaggy.
The guys inside are having a canary fit and oogling for the best spot to get the dirty deets. Stephanie proceeds to rip Brian a new one and confronts him on sleeping together a day or so before going on a “business convention” as he told her. Really, Steph? Maybe I’m naïve but what industry has conventions that last for up to 2 months? Because I need to get into a new line of work then! She mentions their relationship being long-term and her son looking up to him. Inside Brandon finds an opportunity to make it about him and the drama of being raised by a single mom. Back to Steph who, as Brian tries to mumble his way into reason, does a backsnap into tales of Brian hookin’ it up with 6 – 7 additional girls from strip clubs. Brian is apparently a poor man’s Tiger Woods. Chris Harrison interjects about Brian’s lying during casting – CHRIS, stay out of this! Let the vapid-broken-20-somethings scream it out!
Stephanie then brings up her and Brian’s horizontal mambo lesson before he came out for filming and Brian gives in after TEN SECONDS, admitting to knockin’ dem boots. Hmmmm, you dirty dog, you. Chris asks a rhetorical question to Desiree about Brian’s chances of staying and immediately Jerry Sringer’s ex-security detail escort Brian to get his things. Buhhhh-bye.
After that D-R-A-M-A-fest, it’s time to take a nap… – oh, I mean Kasey’s date with Desiree. #whohonestlycares
But just when we think we’re off away in the limo let’s have Brandon be Stephanie’s emphatic unicorn one more time. Brandon ugly cries it out like a Teen Mom on MTV and talks about how Brian screwing around on his playboy playmate girlfriend relates to how much he truly loves Des. Huh? Exactly.
Kasey and Des drive up to their date and see they will be the Cirque du Soleil: Window Washers edition in downtown LA. Kasey says he’s experiencing a moment that nobody else can share and then twinkle toes shows off his best pirouette as he slams into the building. At the end Desiree states she had so much fun that she may have peed her pants. #whereyodependsatgirl!
It’s now for the night time part of the date and the wind gets so crazy that twinkle toes Kasey has the bright idea to get into the pool. Hmmm – …high winds, night time, outdoor pool – gee, wonder if that is a recipe for fun? #no-@$@!$-way But Kasey gets the rose for being a trooper and basically not being a cheating pig, aka Brian.
The final group date is announced and the guys pigeon-holed into the friend zone for the week are Dan, Juan Pablo, Bryden, Zak W. and James. It’s at cowboy camp or some type of old-timey finishing school where boys turn into men. Yee-haw! The guys pull up to the date to greet Desiree. James is wearing the pinkest shirt I’ve ever seen on a man in my life. They practice scenes out of Deadwood and up ride real men on horses to give the guys lessons. Zak says he’s pumped to grow a pair learning to be a cowboy as the winner gets alone time with Desiree watching The Lone Ranger movie. James declares he’s not riding for justice but for Desiree and then does his best bow-leg to fake punch two theme park actors. Machismo has a new name, and it’s definitely not James. Dan’s pants split and I finally get my highlight of the entire show. Juan Pablo speaks Spanish during his try and I could literally care less what he is saying…. Bazzzam! And so could Des, because Juan Pablo gets the alone time. This is surprising to no woman on earth. He smirks at the other guys like “deuces, you English-only-speaking-neanderthals”.
Later the guys gather for Juan Pablo’s sloppy seconds and have a campfire with Desiree. Backstreet-Boy-Bryden sits with Desiree in a tree – K-I-S-S-I-N-G! Zak W. then snuggles with her under a blanket and gets “luvvv-drunk” from knees touching (is this your first time with a woman, Zak?). Finally James snuggles with her and trumps all the fellas by pulling the family-drama-that-is-so-serious-I-left-for-2-months-to-come-here card. BAM! There goes that date rose and you can physically see Zak W.’s heart break into his drink as it appears on James’ rooster chest.
Drama, tears, drunkenness, and we’re not even to the cocktail party yet. That-a-way-boys! Mama is so, so proud. So instead of a cocktail party, Chris Harrison announces they will be having a pool party. The guys break into last minute push up like it will make a difference.
Ben sneaks out to catch Desiree to score a private ride with her. As they come back to the mansion, the biggest coincidence happens as Ben’s arch-nemesis Michael and Mikey are there to see them pull up. Needless to say Michael’s panties get into a twist. Mikey talks about integrity and being the better man, and then comments about “punching Ben in the face.” Maturity is really a splendid thing. The guys corner Ben and we get yet another rendition of “I Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends.” Ugh.
Brandon gets alone time and uses it to his advantage to be the Debbie Downer of the group. As Desiree pleads inside her own head for Brandon to stop himself, Brandon sends her heart
soaring screeching by telling her he loves her even though they barely talk. He then unexpectedly smashes his face into her nose for their first kiss. As Des leaves, Brandon looks on lovingly like a guy who just lost his virginity to the cougar mom next door. Man, is this guy going to fall hard and not in a good way.
Which brings us to the rose ceremony. Des gets right to it and the recipients of this week’s get-to-steppin’ cards are Dan (WHO????), and Brandon. Dan exits just like he entered the competition – quietly. Brandon, er, on the other hand, ugly cries and wails like Nancy Kerrigan in the hallway back at Des. “Whyyyyyyyyyyy! Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!” Has this guy ever been in a relationship???? Desiree goes out to
comfort put the animal out of its misery. Brandon finally calms down to breath and Des makes her escape after making her point that saying “I love you” is only acceptable after three weeks and not one-and-a-half. Brandon is left to go back to LA with the ultimate blank check to bang every non-self-respecting, wannabe startlet and former Bachelor-contestants in LA. Here’s his reaction:
Next week, we’ll see what happens in Atlantic City, a Bachelor Beauty Pageant, and more snide comments about Ben. In a word, with a sarcastic tone – thrilling. (eyes involuntary rolling)
Smell yah later!