Last week we were treated to the 2013 Big Douchenizzle on Campus during the season premiere of The Bachelorette. This week, things start to get going with our first one-on-one dates and the cry-baby inducing group date. As they say in the beginning of Mortal Kombat – Ready, Set, FIIIIIIIIGHT!
The guys oogle and aagles over the mansion. What a bunch of roosters – Fist PUMPS all around! Then Chris Harrison kicks things off by explaining how dates work on the courtin’ process competition for Desiree’s heart, er, pants. He should get an Emmy for the performance he gives with a straight face AS IF these guys don’t have his speech memorized by now. Like they have never seen the show. Riiiiight.
So with that the first date card is up and you can tell the guys don’t want to open it as they will know automatically it’s not their name in the card. Brooks is announced as the first date and the guys do their best graceful loser cheers. Brooks says he’s giving arm pumps (the @#$#) and that he’s Rocky Balboa-excited to get his swerve on with Des. I thought Drew was a Bambi in the woods, but Brooks is giving him a run for his money.
Brooks and Desiree meet up as she takes him to the holy hell of all first dates for guys – drumrooooooooooooooooll – to a bridal shop. She states that it’s so she can explain what it is she does for a living but we all know it’s so she can subconsciously be like “look, playah, you best be puttin’ a ring on it in if I choose you. Otherwise it’s gonna git ugly. Yah, dig?” Brooks plays along and deflects the awkward setting by trying on tuxedoes our dads would have worn fo’ real during their weddings. Hmmm, okay, maybe he is funny and he’s growing on mah cold, black heart. Maybe.
Desiree then takes him to a cupcake truck on the street to get their “wedding cake.” (Me – Gurl, lemme stop you please.) They then take the wedding party mobile to a picnic at the Hollywood sign. Brooks says he feels privileged, I give him the side eye, he talks about being on top of the world (Hmmm, have you not heard of Mt. Everest, Brooks?), then they kiss, and then with most public displays of affection lust on these reality shows I gag. Good times.
Next up is the group date, or as I like to call it Dating Armageddon. There’s a reason that Elimidate used to be one of my favorite shows and this is that pumped up with steroids – let the high jinks ensue. The date card is announced and the phrase of my Bachelor nightmares, “right reasons”, is uttered from the reading of the card and I shudder at the TV. Little do I know of what’s to come (darn you hindsight, darn YOUUUU!). Dan, Juan Pablo, Kasey, Zack, Will, Brian, Drew, James, Mikey, Zak W., Nick, Michael G., Brandon, and Ben are selected for the group date. Desiree greets the guys in front of a red Ferrari and mansion to announce they will be making a rap video. This is followed by what can only be described as the Guinness Book Record of Square Tools Raising the Roof and Whoo-Whoo’in It Up At Once. I’m really surprised Kasey didn’t do a #westSiiiiyed in his recap commentary. Anyways, for me, eye-rolls are involuntary induced and we learn whose career has sunk so low they’ve agreed to teach these Eminem-wannabes rapping 101. CONGRATS, Soulja Boy! Somebody is gettin’ P.A.I.D – Huzzzzah!
Des strikes me with a hot poker as she announces the song will be called “Right Reasons”. Ugh, THAT phrase. They then have a rapping contest and we get to hear things like “Me wanna a Rose. You Not a Hose. I hope my skills don’t Blows.” Fellas, stick to your day jobs of being Account Non-Executives. I’m not sensing any aspiring rap careers in the game. The guys then put on their costumes and Brandon feels objectified in his banana hammock. (Hmmm… welcome to the club, fellas!) However, I love his lines for the rap as his jabs at Kasey “Guard and Protect Hearts” Kahl. Mikey gets pissed that Ben gets a scene alone with Desiree during the video. (Me – Then step up yo’ rappin’ skills, Mikey!) They continue to film scenes to make fun of the Douche Ghosts of The Bachelorette Past – Kasey, JR, Jason Messnick, etc. Here is the finished Right Reasons rap video – needless to say this will not be added to my Spotify account.
The group then gathers up for the night portion of the date and circle like vultures over a carcass to find their time to steal Des away for that one-on-one conversation to drive her into Amahhhazing convulsions. Because 5-minutes can MAKE or BREAK a relationship, people! Zak gives her an antique journal (uh, why?), Brandon talks about how love is a butterfly (uh, what?), Ben gets flushed red like a chick from a glass of Chardonnay (uh, seriously?), and James incessantly injects the phrase “right reasons” into conversation forgetting that Soulja Boy has done fled the coop with his check.
Michael whines about the right reasons and how he’s all for women’s rights. Hmmm, Michael did you not hear the part of the song making fun of Kasey for guarding and protecting hearts???? Stop yourself. Now. Mikey whines like a chihuahua about time with Des because it’s been 20 minutes since he talked with her and he somehow forgot he’s on a date with 1 chick and 15 dudes. He decides he must interrogate Ben, and we decide we all must laugh at his ass. R-E-L-A-X, bro. At the end of the date Desiree burns the last shred of Mikey’s dignity and gives Ben the date’s rose. The guys can’t even muster up golf claps amidst the awkward silence and this is where I learn what happens when men start to PMS together. I literally CANNOT wait for the rose ceremony at this point.
The last one-on-one date goes to Bryden, the soldier from Montana. One word – YUM. But there is also something about him that screams #shadyboots. I wonder if it will be him trapped in Girlfriend Gate next week. It says on the card they are going on a Road Trip. Brooks is probably like “@#$@#%%# me” as he smiles gracefully to congratulate Bryden. Desiree pickups up Bryden and they drive off, stop at a gas station for treats, and chit chat. ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…… Oh, they stop at the beach to fly a kite, play in the sand and eat fish tacos at a local café. ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…. Desiree accidentally reveals they are headed North. DIOS MIOS, scanduloso! They run through an orange tree orchard, head to Ojai, and end up at some resort as the traditional Bachelor-esque symphony plays in the background. Desiree says it’s the best road trip she’s ever been on. Clearly somebody is not let out of their cage much.
Des and Bryden have a romantic dinner and bond over pictures from his car accident. ROMANTIC! That puts them in the mood to take it to the hot tub. Bow-chicah-bow-woooooooooooow! Bryden then mumbles incessantly for too long, awkwardly trying to figure out how to make his move. Get some swerve, playah! Des tells him to just kiss her and Bryden falls dutifully to his inner neanderthal to scoop her up and smoosh his face into her lips. BAM! BAM! Bambadidy, BAM!
FINALLY, it’s the time we’ve all been waiting for – Cocktail Hour! Things start by the men without roses drowning their sorrows in the finest champagne available and crying to each other like a bunch of sorority girls who don’t have dates to the formal (no offense to sorority girls!). Mikey and Michael start the whining off about right reasons (AGAIN!!!!!), competition for time, and nerves. Michael grabs Des and in his desperation for a connections tells us of the harrowing tale of how when he was young he was told by his mom, no LESS!, that he has diabetes. The.Horror. (And yet, Michael seems well enough to drink it up till the wee hours at a rose ceremony.) #firstworldproblems Ben steals away Des just as Michael’s visine tears were about to kick in. Ben and Desiree play tonsil hockey while Michael gathers up the other guys to tell them “O.M.F’in’.G. Ben like totally stole her away from me.” And the other guys chime in with head nods and their supportive “Ugh. No way!” I’m surprised they weren’t passing each other tampons at this point.
Ben pulls his “I’m not here to make friends” card and Michael finds the need to pull him aside (along with 3 other guys???) to lecture him about being a real WO-man. Ben politely nods, Michael yells he doesn’t care (when CLEARLY he does), and Ben needs to refresh his drink so he placates to Michael like he’s a drunk gazelle that Ben’s trying to lure away from the bar and to his pad. The guys head back to the ceremony. D-R-A-M-A……DRAMAHHHH!
It’s time to hand out the roses and the recipients of this week’s “Get to Steppin” card are Will, Robert and Nick. The exit interviews are surprisingly not that emotional but there’s lots of talk about being there for love, right reasons……ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. To the left, to the left.
Next week will be really interesting as we’ll get down to the bottom of girlfriend gate and separately a fight is being foreshadowed to take place. I got a sneak peek of it below – enjoy and till next week!