It’s the start of Summer and while, for some, that means the start of swimsuit season, for me and my besties it means the start of… dun, dun, dunnnnnnnn – The Bachelorette! (Or, as I sometimes call it, that time I watch crazy dudes until Bachelor Pad starts, and we get to the real cra-cra for my Monday nights.)
It’s Friday today and that means my Guilty Pleasures post will feature recaps of all my rantings I’ve been screaming at the TV by myself all week long. Nothing makes a crazy person saner than watching crazy people on TV living up to the role model of embarrassment that they truly were meant to be. Let’s get started!
First, we start with Chris Harrison and the look back at Desiree’s journey – which in reality, is the total 2 hours she actually “dated” Sean over the course of 4 weeks. But she’s heartbroken and her brother was just tryin’ to keep it real, SoNnNnNn! I shouldn’t be so harsh…….yet. (image source) But, look, she’s back to lovin’ life – cue the montage…..Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (this is the sound of my remote not giving a fuck with a fast forward).
On a side note – a turquoise Bentley, ABC – Seriously?!?! Why don’t you just book the reception at White Castle along with it.
Onto the real reason we tuned in – the fellahs!
First up are the introductions from the limo. I won’t bore you with my commentary on each one, so I’ll give you the ones that we’re not to miss (not in any particular order):
– Drew, 27, from Arizona, – is really cute walking the driveway while looking like Bambi. I’m thinking he’s a front runner but the moment he opens his mouth about how “it’s great to meet her,” all I keep hearing is “and take this journey with you to explore my true sexuality.” Gurrrrl, I gotz me some gaydar and YES, I speak from personal experience – ha! (insert side-eye)
– Awww, look at Mike – the British-non-British-accent dentist wearing…. aw, how not clever, a dentist overcoat. Errrrrrr……NEXT! (TIP: bring the accent next time….trust.)
– Oh, here comes Brandon roaring on his motorcycle (I bet he’s got a big *****, right????) Apparently he’s a huge adrenaline junkie with self-proclaimed family issues and baggage – can I make a prediction??? A relationship would TOTALLY last with him……(in my best Borat voice) NOT.
– Diego, who arrives as a knight in shining armor, literally – hmmmm, nuff said.
– Michael – aka Mr. FindaPennyStick – please fall in, please fall in, PLEASE fall into the fountain.
– BY far my favorite, itttttttttttttt’s Jonathon, aka Fantasy Suite Dude, who is probably the worst lawyer in North Carolina (his fo’ real job title). Not only did he whip out a creeptastic hotel card to a woman he’s only known for LITERALLY 10 seconds (hahahah – so awesome!), he setup a “suite” later in the house that one would probably only find in a brothel masked as a hostel.
– And finally, there’s Larry who I, at first, thought was a reject from Dancing with the Stars, but turns out he’s actually an ER doctor. Say whaaaaaaaaaat? In his attempt to be clever, Larry tries to teach Desiree a dance move that ends with her getting dipped but instead almost drops her on her ass and potentially rips her designer gown. Paging Dr. Dumbfuck. If you are not a trained dancer or Patrick Dempsey, why are you attempting this? Watching Dr. Larry, though, was a learning experience in that this is the moment I realized women’s dreams of marrying a doctor can never live up to their full expectation.
A slight side story here – once I came to visit a friend at college and went out with her to meet the latest guy she was dating. Let’s call him Twinkle Toes. When we finally did catch up with TT, we saw him stumble out a bar and, instead of meeting me like a normal person, do the following – Slurs out my name (I think he said Berffff or something like that), gets in my face and mumbles “Yoooooooooou, luk like yoooooou need to be dipped”, takes my hand and whips me past him, then back into him, dips me and gets in my face smiling cross-eyed. Hmmm, nice to meet you too…. NOT.
One thing to note is that the one guy during the introductions that I said appeared to be actually normal, is the one *SPOILER* who actually has a girlfriend *SPOILER* to which my husband, PD2, and I joked that my intuition into thinking he was normal should have been my clue he was a douchenizzle. #shadybootz, playah!
Now that we’re done with the intros, let’s get on to the rest of the night to watch these gents drown themselves with humiliation further. Bottoms Up! Here are some highlights:
Kasey – #useonemorehashtagandI’llpunchyouintheballs – says from the beginning he’s into social media and clearly that’s evident from the fact he thinks it stylin’ to wear a suit with sneakers. Hmmm…, no. But, on top of trying to be Zuckerberg 0.5, if you were unable to catch this week’s episode, here’s a video that basically sums up Kasey:
Ben gets the first rose and proves that if you get a room full of douchebags together, they have as much potential to act like crazy, jealousfornoreason, drizzzunk biyatches as Bachelor contestants do.
BAM! Equality at work!
Zak, who is strutting like a male peacock all night without a shirt, feels he hasn’t received ENOUGH attention and lets his insecurity shine more by jumping into the pool.
He gets a rose wreaking in desperation; we get to laugh at him. Win-Win.
Dr.-notwinkletoes-Larry is up and attempts to apologize for his lack of dancing skills with a lack of personality. The conversation basically goes like this:
L – “I’m really sorry”
D-“It’s okay..(with a face that says “can we talk about something else – PLEASE!”)
L – “I don’t have much to say a personality so I’m just going to apologize for no reason again even though you just accepted my apology and expressed a desire to move onto another topic”
D – “hmmmmmmmmmmm …(I’m bored, let me look the other way to see if he can take a hint)”
L – (she’s looking off into the distance. Clearly that’s a cue to take off my glasses)
D – (ugh. This sucks, and he’s a doctor. DAMMIT! Dez, suck it up and try to like him. Smile!)
L – (oh, she smiled. I’ll put my glasses back on. Me.Look.Smart.Me.Win.Rose.)
Brandon talks about how after talking with Desiree for 30 seconds he’s ready to declare her THE ONE. I thought only insecure, desparateforaMRSdegree girls acted like this, but apparently empty shells of men can too! Again, Equality you are aaaamazing me tonight.
Then Desiree does something I absolutely cannot stand – she told Fantasy Suite Dude he was making her uncomfortable by trying to force her into an unknown dark place with him and told him to get.to.steppin’ (where’s the Sandman from the Apollo when you need him). Cue my reaction – WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?!? Keep him around for one more episode!!!! Can somebody get a producer in her to override this #$@#$@! Desiree, you truly disappoint, gurl.
In the end, Desiree concluded the evening with the world’s least shocking rose ceremony ever, electing to keep most guys with no personality but looks to build an Abercrombie catalog. We also got a preview of the season to come wherein we see GirlfriendOnTheSide-Gate and Desiree crying 50 times and we hear Chris Harrison’s previously-recorded voice-over from 4 years ago telling us this will be the.MOST.shocking.season of the Bachelorette ever.
Did you here that people? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee-V.A.H! I, for one, am chompin’ at the bit.
How can I possibly wait till Monday?!? In the meantime, let’s pour one out and hollah at the season to come. Huuzzzzah!