Celebrity Motherhood and Why I call BuuuuuuuuuuuullSh*t

This week I came across the peak of why I’m fed up with the Culture of Celebrity Motherhood, or as I call it FailedActressesTryingToMaintainCelebrityRelevancy Club.

As I frantically try to find time to launch a new marketing campaign at work and prepare for my daughter’s 3rd birthday party, I came across an article about which celebrity mom is more down to earth. From Gwyneth Paltrow recommending new Spring fashions that would run you $500k, to Jessica Alba pitching “honest” motherhood through a recurring monthly $80 payment that for the same quantity most moms would only pay half for. These are my options for tips on motherhood – gee, what a lucky gal I am (insert spoon of sarcasm here).

celebrity_magazine_babyIt seems like everyday I come across an article where an actress who in no longer the hot commodity in movies she once was is clinging to makeover her career into the new motherhood culture expert. However, the cost of shilling out said expertise typically comes at masking degradation to everyday moms in a cloak of pseudo-authenticity. For instance, Jessica Alba’s latest appearance on Good Morning America to promote sellout her motherhood playbook is themed around:

“Jessica Alba Helps Families Stay Chic and Healthy”

Trick please. Since when is the goal of motherhood to be chic? IF this were my motherhood playbook, that happens in what I like to call reality, this would be the theme:

“How to Keep My 3-Year Old Booger Free and My Sanity during Her Tantrums”

Alba states by providing eco-friendly (yet of course highly expensive) baby products that she is “saving families.” Please check yo’self before you wreck yo’self. Apparently shelling out expensive products and home remedies (which are easily available on pinterest fo’ F-R-E-E) equates saving lives.
It must be great to sit up on Cloud 9 doling out lessons for the little moms of everyday America. How fortunate (can I seriously say this with a straight face!) we are that the starlette of Into the Blue decided to pass up on her dried out movie career so that she can teach lecture us about organic baby food we don’t have time to prepare or avoiding plastics altogether that takes money we don’t have. I’m not saying there’s no way to attain these types of lifestyle choices, just that for the majority of us moms out there it’s putting an unrealistic expectation on what defines being the best parenting experience possible.

These new breeds of celebrity lifestyle “coaches” I see as more of peddling “nice-to-haves” in a famewhoring attempt to turn them into parenting necessities. I’ll channel my inner Suzie Orman and clear the air with the following for parenting – potty training your child on a toilet (plastic or not) that they are not deathly afraid of is what we call a NEED; potty training your child on a BPA-free toilet that costs 20% more than standard the plastic version is what we call a WANT. Comprende?

nene side eyeBut my biggest “gurrrrrrrrrl, please” moment is that to top it all off, the advice is not coming not from a doctor or professional counselor in parenting, but from women who are trying to extend their 15 minutes of famewhoring. Even though Us Weekly labels someone “just like me” because of a pap-arranged photo op at Target, doesn’t mean she’s a “parenting expert”. We all get sucked into shopping for an hour longer at Target than ever intended when we go into the store – that don’t make you a know-it-all, honey.

In the meantime I’ll take motherhood day-by-day, and if I’m able to get a shower in, have my child fed and changed, and make it a productive use of the day all while putting up with my bra and heels – then I call it a win-win, no “expert” advice needed thankyouverymuch.

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